Rude is in the Eye of the Beholder

IMAGE: Mr. Rude - www.mrmen.com

One of the local school districts here in PA has established a policy that it will no longer respond to "rude" or "disrespectful" e-mails:

http://www.mcall.com/news/local/bethlehem/mc-bethlehem-school-rude-emails-20131016,0,6758233.story

Source: The Morning Call via Facebook Page.

Wow. Where do I begin with this one?

I will first say that while I realize the media has a tendency to "spin" things to make them more emotional & interesting, and I do not know both sides of the story, my comments not only relate to this particular event as described in the article, but all the other policies & rules that school boards across the country implement for reasons most of us cannot understand.

As a parent of just about 30 years now (and an educator for 20 of those years), I have corresponded & communicated with many teachers and administrators over the years, usually with pen and paper-but on some occasions by phone & by e-mail. In my opinion, policies like these do not compel us to be respectful to each other- they only serve to quiet some, push others over the edge and divide us all even more.

Additionally, policies and rules such as this one allows the ignorant to exploit our sensitivity, and thus gives them power over us.

The first problem with policies & practices such as the one the Bethlehem School District has implemented, is this: How can you objectively define "rude" or "disrespectful"? This is an judgement call that contains many elements-and the receptivity, emotional maturity and overall attitude of the receiver is just as important to consider as that of the one communicating.

Here is Webster's definition of rude:

rude

ro͞od/

adjective

1. 1.

   offensively impolite or ill-mannered.

   "she had been rude to her boss"

   synonyms:

   ill-mannered, bad-mannered, impolite, discourteous, uncivil, ill-behaved,unmannerly, mannerless;
2. 2.

   roughly made or done; lacking subtlety or sophistication.

   "a rude coffin"

   synonyms:

   primitive, crude, rudimentary, rough, simple, basic, makeshift

So my first question about the above referenced policy is, who gets to decide if a communication is "rude" (i.e "offensive") and therefore not worth responding to? Wouldn't that determination depend completely on the person reading or listening to the communication and how they feel that day? Does this mean that you could be considered "rude" if you are simply "disagreeing" with something?

Rude is in the eye of the beholder.

The way I see it, the very ideas of "rude", "disrespect" and "offended" are two sides of the same coin. On the one side, we should absolutely be respectful of each other. On the other side, that is not always going to happen. One person's "rude" is another person's "honest". In expecting and even demanding respect from everyone we come in contact with we have already set an unreasonable and non-objective expectation that spirals downwards from there.

While racist, intimidating or threatening comments are never OK, not everyone is so educated, informed, sophisticated & eloquent in their self-expression. In fact,some people are definitely ignorant. But lets be honest: when it comes down to it, words are words, opinions are opinions and sometimes "rude" is the only way things get done.

In my experience, most people don't attack a school administration, anonymously, online or otherwise, without having some catalyst to set it in motion. Most people are too busy trying to put food on the table, or, looking for work. What the article does not say is what prompted these so-called "rude" e-mails and what were they even about? Exactly how many were sent that caused a policy/news article to be written over it? Is this really what schools should be worried about? Is this what tax dollars pay them to do? I'm sure that this school board's time could be better spent addressing more important issues regarding education and the actual needs of the students in the community?

Wouldn't it be more productive to say, "Gee, when we sift through the "offensive language in these ignorant e-mails, it appears that this person/people is upset because...." But no-that would take a little bit of work. Its much easier to hide behind a policy that bans all "offensive" speech. Yeah. That'll work. This gives me images of a child sticking his fingers in his ears, sticking out his tongue and singing "I can't hear you...lalalalalalala...." as he runs away.

The school boards work for the communities, and are elected by the people of each respective community. They need to be held accountable to the people and answer for their actions, instead of being allowed to draft policies and make rules that discourage communication between hard working parents and the very people who are influencing their children for 7 or more hours a day, 5 days a week, 36 weeks of every year for about 13 years. They need to step up and start acting like the professionals that they want us to believe they are and want us to respect them for. I say, respect is earned, not a given and its hard to respect a board who is making rude e-mails an issue that needs a policy and a press release.

By ignoring people who are apparently already ticked off about something, and who may be unable-or unwilling - to communicate it effectively, a district runs the risk of increasing the odds that they will only get more angry/ rude/disrespectful communications. They also run the risk of dismissing a valid communication because they have now made an issue of rudeness and are looking for it in any way shape & form. Then what happens? Do they call for the ban of parents from school functions? the arrest of a parent who has an opinion about the school or community? for asking a question? for disagreeing? or for expressing a grievance because they used "offensive" words to express it? Because if a board does, its important to understand that now they are clearly part of a growing problem. 

Remember where we live: we are guaranteed to be free to express ourselves, even if we do it rudely or disrespectfully.  So, either we ALL have that right of expression, or, NONE of us have that right. We cannot pick and choose who has a valid opinion based on whether or not we or someone else feels "offended". What happened to "acceptance" and "non-judgement"? All these nice words and ideals go out the window  very quickly in real life, don't they?

With that said, I will add that just because you have a right to say something, does not mean you should. 

When I communicate with a school-I absolutely put my name on everything I send, and am careful to be specific about my question or thoughts. If a person is serious about a complaint, they should do the same but I also can understand why people are reluctant or unable to do that: frustration at dealing with an already difficult-to-navigate & increasingly corrupt system; fear that their child will get singled out and "punished" for a parent's perceived rudeness; fear that they will be labeled as "one of those parents" or even as an "enemy combatant"... or worst of all, fear that they will be called a "racist", if the other person happens to be of a different ethnic background then they are, which we all can agree is a touchy subject for many these days.

Things are getting more tense and way out of hand with schools and other government divisions in general, and it seems that the "polite" people who approach problems and issues with reason are promptly ignored anyway. Maybe part of the answer is that yes, we all should be more eloquent & polite and realize that we are on the same side, but the other part of that is that we also should grow up, and stop being so hyper-sensitive to what others think & say because this is the exact thing that perpetuates bullying, discrimination and yes, racism.

My second question is to everyone reading this post: Does it really matter that much to you what someone else thinks of you, or the way they say it to you that you have to write a policy or make a rule to ban/ignore them or demand they respect you? Because if it does, the problem is more within you than the person expressing a rude opinion, and if you are a teacher or administrator you have no business being in any position of power, and you certainly have no business influencing young people in any way. As the saying goes, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."

Understand something: being "offended" is a choice-not something that others impose on you. Its a mythical state of mind and an idea that has grown popular out of the "Politically Correct" movement. Our feelings stem from the way we think-our thoughts and ideas are what gives rise ot our feelings. Those who overdo the "PC" thinking and who invoke the "offended" clause, are those who are attempting to silence those who don't agree with them or those who, by telling the truth, threaten their very existence in some way. One can say its to protect themselves or a community, but deep down, it stems from something else: one's ego and sense of self-importance. The truth is, that we can stop feeling offended anytime we decide to. I suggest we start now.

Being "offended" by "rude" and "disrespectful" people is a cop out for so many things, and THAT is the root of the problem. That is what really needs to stop. Its called "grow a backbone". Real men and real women don't get offended, because we know ourselves well enough to be confident in who we are, what we can do, where we came from and where we are going. We don't need validation in the form of "respect" from anyone-because we are more concerned with doing the right thing, rather than feeling good and going along with what is popular. We are expansive thinkers and are open to all opinions-polite and rude just the same and can look at them objectively, rather than through the lens of our emotions. We are not so high and mighty that we feel that we need to silence those who disagree with us, but rather, when criticized or called out, we use it as a time for self-reflection and make choices based on what is right for the majority-not on how fragile or powerful we feel at any given moment. We work to educate the ignorant-not silence them.

Our schools are in serious trouble. And while the 'State' demands more and more of our students and gives them less and less, in the background we have squabbling & rules being written by adults that are based on feelings, subjective opinion and myth, and have nothing to do with education or making our schools better for our kids & our communities. Rules that are made because we don't like the way someone spoke or because we don't want to hear all the negative things others are saying about us. By doing this, we have stooped to the very mentality we are trying to "ban", and the ignorant, have in effect "won". Power is given-and power is taken away just as easily. It all depends on how we respond.

Parents: educate yourself & if you have a gripe, learn how to effectively communicate it-on paper, face-to-face, by e-mail and at the polls. When we fail to take the responsibility to learn how to communicate & express ourselves properly, then everyone loses. There is power in numbers and the parents, teachers & even the students themselves hold the best cards. Know what cards you hold, which ones you need, and play them wisely. If you can't do that, then just stay off the internet, keep quiet and stop wasting everybody's time.

Administrators: You are the leaders and set the example & the tone for our students and our communities. Instead of trying to silence rude voices or being offended at the ignorance they display, take up the challenge they present in the right manner and use their weaknesses against them the way they are attempting to do to you. Teach our kids how to be strong in body, mind and emotion, and to rise above this kind of ignorance. Teach them that their self-worth is not dependent on the opinions of others and to be conscientious -to have pride in their work, their communities, themselves and their family heritage. Teach them to work on bettering themselves and letting go of this idea of someone "offending" or "bullying" them through words, because it can only hurt them if they allow it to.

So I say enough rule and policy writing. There will always be ignorant people in the world. The only way to minimize the effects of hate, discrimination, racism & bullying is to stop giving those who spread it, power over us. In order to effectively do that, we need to change our attitudes & approaches and set the example and provide the tools for our children to do the same.